Assertiveness: Strength Isn’t Silence—Or Shouting
You know that moment when someone says something that doesn’t sit right? Maybe they dismiss your idea in a meeting, make a joke at your expense, or cross a boundary you assumed was understood. And in that split second, you freeze.
Do you let it go, telling yourself it’s not worth the trouble? Or do you push back, only to spend the rest of the day questioning whether you overreacted?
If that sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Assertiveness—the ability to express your thoughts, needs, and boundaries clearly and confidently—is a skill most of us were never explicitly taught. Instead, we learned by watching. Maybe your parents avoided conflict like the plague, or maybe you had a boss who steamrolled everyone in their path. Either way, a lot of us got the message that speaking up meant being difficult, demanding, or unlikable.
But real assertiveness isn’t about dominance or people-pleasing. It’s about standing your ground without turning it into a battleground.
Why Assertiveness Feels Unnatural
I see a lot of high-achievers who struggle with assertiveness—not because they don’t have strong opinions, but because they’ve spent years prioritizing harmony over honesty. They’ve learned to read the room, adapt to others’ expectations, and avoid unnecessary friction. And sure, that makes them easy to work with—but at what cost?
Over time, always accommodating others comes at a price:
Unspoken resentment – The more you suppress your needs, the more frustration builds. Until one day, it either explodes or turns into quiet disengagement.
Unclear boundaries – If you never articulate what’s okay and what’s not, people will keep crossing lines you never drew.
Eroded confidence – Every time you defer to someone else, you reinforce the idea that your needs are secondary.
The False Choice: Passive or Aggressive
Most people think they have two options: stay silent or go on the attack. And when those are the only choices, silence feels safer. No one wants to be the person constantly stirring up conflict.
But assertiveness isn’t about confrontation—it’s about clarity. It’s the middle ground between saying nothing and saying too much. It’s the difference between I’ll just do it myself (passive) and You never pull your weight (aggressive) versus I’d like us to divide this more evenly (assertive).
Real assertiveness means:
Speaking up without hostility – You can be direct without being abrasive.
Holding boundaries without guilt – You don’t need a lengthy justification to say no.
Asking for what you need without apology – Your needs aren’t less important than anyone else’s.
The Fear of Backlash
Even when people understand the value of assertiveness, there’s often a lingering fear: What if people don’t like me anymore?
It’s a fair concern. Some people will push back—especially if they’ve benefited from your silence. Even the ones worth keeping around might need time to adjust. But ultimately, they’ll respect you more for it.
And more importantly, you’ll respect yourself more.
Because every time you speak up for yourself, you reinforce the belief that your voice matters. That your needs are valid. That you are worth standing up for.
How to Start Practicing Assertiveness
If this feels foreign, start small. Think of it like a muscle—the more you use it, the stronger it gets.
Pause Before Reacting – When you feel that hesitation before speaking up, take a moment. Ask yourself: What do I actually want to say here?
Use “I” Statements – Instead of You always interrupt me, try I feel unheard when I get cut off. It shifts the focus from blame to clarity.
Practice Saying No – Not every request requires an excuse or apology. I can’t make it, but thanks for inviting me is a complete sentence.
Expect Discomfort – Assertiveness won’t feel natural at first. That doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong—it means you’re growing.
Notice the Outcomes – Pay attention to how people respond. You might be surprised at how often they simply... respect it.
The Long-Term Payoff
Assertiveness isn’t just about handling tough conversations—it’s about self-respect. It’s about knowing that your voice, your needs, and your boundaries matter just as much as anyone else’s.
Because at the end of the day, you can’t control how people react to you. But you can control whether you honor yourself in the process.
So the next time you feel the urge to stay silent when something needs to be said, ask yourself: If I were looking out for my own best interest, what would I say right now?
Then, say it.
